i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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