She is in my trunk
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
