Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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