why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
