i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
