i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize