Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
