So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
