ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
