i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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