I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
