I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
