You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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