his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
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He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
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She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
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Have fun and good luck.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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