we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
