i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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