420 ftw
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
