So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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