Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
and i looked up. we had an audience...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
