how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
