I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I see more hoeing in ur future
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