me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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