You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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