Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
