someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
