I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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