My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.