I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You can't just leave with hair like that
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?