oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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