Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.