Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He passed out mid-signature
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face