I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"