explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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