i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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