I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I bet he comes in French.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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