I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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