After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
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It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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