Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Too much gin, very little bucket
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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