There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
