You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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