And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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