drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
