Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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