Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
