I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
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we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
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You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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