I just threw up on my dentist
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
