READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
