The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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