I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Is Oprah even human
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
