if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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