Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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