There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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