Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
