I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
