I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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