I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
