I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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