She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
