My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
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no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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