Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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