the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
