I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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