so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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