just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
