i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
